Facing Realty

I realized this weekend that regardless of how many blogs I write, regardless of how many people I seek advice to, most of my recent losses are permanent. Papaw will never call me again, Grandpa will never make another coke-float, my friend will never call. Everyday, I come closer to grasping this reality, everyday I sink further and further into a darkness so pervasive that I have found myself wondering who I even am. It has all been too much to handle at one time yet these are the cards God has dealt me and I must trust that His game plan, His will, shall prevail. And regardless of how things turn out, I must accept these realities and move on. So I continue to pray, continue to seek His wisdom... I sincerely hope these emotions end quickly.

Silver Lining

Lately, my life has been defined by one simple, four letter word: loss. In the matter of one month, I lost both of my grandfathers, my ambition for medical school, and one of my best friends, all of which will change my life forever. Albeit I believe God gives and God takes away, these 4 weeks have felt strangely lopsided towards the divine "takes away" column on His checklist, and part of me constantly wonders what or who is next. Yet throughout it all, I have never before been this positive, this uplifted, in life, and I chalk it all up to seeing a silver lining in my proverbial rainclouds.

The loss of my grandfathers within two weeks of one another will be remembered as a hallmark of my college life. Up until late August, I had never lost a someone close to me, much less a family member; the mechanisms we develop for coping with death had not yet arisen for me. Fourteen days later, I had attended two funerals for the men who had always served as role models for me, I had watched my grandmothers suffer loss in a magnitude I may never understand. But at the same time, I witnessed my families come closer together; I heard more sincere "I love you"s between cousins, siblings, parents, children and spouses than ever before. I learned two very important lessons in those weeks: life is fragile and to never forget to say I love you. I am sure that both Grandpa and Papaw would be pleased with me finding peace in Love even in their deaths.

Losing my ambition for medical school shocked most of the people around me but I knew better. Since this summer, I had been festering with the idea of not applying but I needed a catalyst to help drive my decision home, one that would come from the losses detailed above. After realizing how precious life is, I decided that 4 years of medical school was not my calling, at least not right now; I am trained to be an engineer and I want to see my skills in industry. It depressed me to see my MCAT scores because the reality of not applying had finally sunk in... I was truly not going to be a doctor. But in this, I learned finally how to make decisions for myself, how to consider the costs and the benefits relating solely to my life and to come to a path that I can be happy to walk down.

My most recent loss comes in the form of a very close friend, someone I had considered (and still do) my little brother. Events transpired that I may never fully understand but the outcome is clear. Although these past few days have been quiet and I certainly miss him, I know that this is the best option for both of us right now. It is a hard pill to swallow knowing that we may never interact again, that we may never change one another for good (this is starting to sound like a Wicked song, how fitting). Yet I have full confidence that our lives will carry on. My hope is that he continues in his growth as a young man and lives up to his potential, that he finds not only happiness but peace as well, that both of us will look back and view this week as necessary for our continued maturation. Thankfully, I am busy enough with school and life to distract me from the quiet that his absence has caused.

Bad things happen... we cannot change that fact of life. But when you find yourself down, when you realize that life may not be going in the direction you intended, I encourage everyone to always seek a silver lining. Find something positive to grasp onto and never let go of it. Find a friend, a hobby, a task to focus your energies into and let something good be born from something bad.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Validation

My scores finally arrived an hour ago and I validated my ability to take tests with a solid, competitive MCAT score. Sadly, my biological sciences score was lower than it should have been but verbal and physical sciences made up for it. Seeing this score has been both relieving and frustrating at the same time. I was expecting, almost hoping for, the worst case scenario, a score that would keep me from being competitive at any major medical school, therefore affirming my decision to not apply. But my scores are good, better than I could have hoped, and a small part of me is second guessing my decision to wait on applying. Now, my sincere hope is that I find a great job that keeps me in Austin, keeps me home near to the people I love, and gives me the opportunity to learn in a new manner.

Rough few weeks

This loss hurts ten times more than the last. My mom's dad, Papaw to me, was taken from us just a few days ago but already, it feels like I've had to spend years without him. As the phrase goes, you never know what you have until it is gone. Finding words to describe his life, to articulate just how much that man meant to me, is completely impossible, especially with the layers of shock still clouding me. Maybe one day, in a few months or years, I can look back and do justice to the man I will always call a hero.

Actually, that might be the best way to remember him... a hero. Papaw served in the military, served the Masons, served his friends and community, but most of all, he served his family. To so many who knew him, Joe Kelly was a shining beacon of compassion and love, someone to look forward to running into when out in Tomball. His smile was magnetic, his personality was filling, his heart was overflowing. Papaw will always be remembered as my hero.

Losing two role models in two weeks is tough. But as my mom constantly repeats, God sees the bigger picture and has big plans for those of us left behind. Even though the knowledge that my grandfathers are with my Father today, their loss is still bittersweet. Watching both of my parents lose their fathers, their rocks, their earthly foundations, hurts me beyond measure. Thankfully, mom and dad are strong together; how amazing is it that God provided my parents with one another to struggle through the same loss at the same time such that both can perfectly empathize with one another. Individually, my parents have faith in God's perfect and awesome plan but together, they have the faith to move mountains!

But something miraculous, something incredible also happened this weekend as my brother and sister-in-law found out that they are having a very healthy little girl in January! Initially, their doctor was concerned about various complications the child was experiencing but a high-risk specialist doused their fears and said their little girl was growing fine! That news brought a smile to me through the pain of losing another grandfather. Olivia will always know who her great-grandfathers were, and that even though she never met them here on earth, they loved her. I'm certain that Zac and Whitney will let Grandpa's and Papaw's legacies live on through their precious daughter!