On Loss and Gain

Anyone following my blog over last semester knows that those few months were hallmarked with serious loss in nearly every aspect of my life. There were times when getting out of bed in the mornings was an arduous task because the darkness seemed impenetrable. It was by grace (and good friendship) that I made it through those months to the holidays and one very long break which managed to be one of the most difficult yet amazing four weeks of my life.

Christmas Eve brought with it both the joy of the holiday and the reminder that we were celebrating for the first time without our grandfathers. I could see the loss in both of my parents' eyes as my brother, sister-in-law, and I sat around the table with them for dinner. Even tho our family traditions did not include Papaw or Grandpa, knowing that they were no longer a phone call away clouded my mind. Christmas day we spent with my mom's extended family and Papaw's presence was greatly missed by every one of us. There is a void where he used to sit that will take a lot of time to heal over; at the time, I was convinced that nothing could ever fill it for me. Yet over the course of food and conversation, our family realized that he would have wanted us to celebrate as though he were still in the room so we did just that!

But honestly, none of the negative emotions this past semester compared to what I felt New Years Day, Papaw's birthday, when I woke up. I saw his shining face in just about everything that day, in the smile my mamaw gave my that morning to the intense pain etched across my uncle's face when he opened my Christmas gift to him (a frame of three pictures of Papaw). By the end of New Years day, I was eager to get back to Austin, to see my friends again, to find an escape from the constant reminders of what my family lost in September.

The next week and a half went by with minimal fanfare. A soon-to-be very good friend stayed the a week with me and we spent our time being completely unproductive. The only valuable change that week was in watching the dynamics between some close friends and me change considerably but as I have come to respect in life, change happens.

Then, on January 15th at 8:06am, everything seemed turn positive. As most of you know, my brother and his wife welcomed into the world my little niece, Olivia Anne Thompson. When I first laid eyes on her, my perspective of life was forever changed, not because I believe that being an uncle is some revolutionary task but because I witnessed for the first time something so incredible... I watched as the brother I have spent 22 years admiring became a father, as the sister-in-law whom I am blessed to have became a mother. The look in their eyes, the love for one another and for this little baby told me that life goes on, that regardless of the losses in our lives, regardless of the deaths, of the path-changing decisions, of the friends who walk out on you, the gains are infinitely more precious. I will forever live for these moments, watching my niece grow up, finding someone to spend the rest of my life with, having my own family, cherishing the wonderful friends I still have; I will no longer be held back or down by the losses but will learn from the lessons they teach.

I finally have hope, delivered to me in a 7 lbs, 19.25", green-eyed, brown headed bundle of irreplaceable joy. I promised her quietly during her first few hours that I would strive to not only be a wonderful uncle but to be a better friend and son, to eventually make a sacrificial husband and to one day be an amazing father. Already she has helped change my life!